U.S.A. — 

In a depressing development for this nation, the linguistic prowess of Americans has hit an all-time low, with the average number of languages spoken per person plummeting to a meager 0.8. The nation, once a melting pot of cultural diversity and multilingualism, has now become a melting pot where any semblance of spoken word jumps in and dies. 

Gone are the days when Americans could have a conversation with each other or order a croissant at a French café. Now most Americans struggle to even grasp the basics of a first language. 

The consequences of this linguistic regression are dire. American travelers now find themselves lost and bewildered in lands outside their own backyards, unable to communicate beyond simple gestures and miming. Conversations become increasingly awkward as representatives struggle to express nuanced ideas in languages other than their own. Even ordering a burger at a local McDonald’s has become an insurmountable challenge for the average American.

“We are witnessing a linguistic catastrophe,” exclaimed renowned linguist Joseph Higginbotham-Saunders. “To think that Americans have regressed to speaking less than one language per person is truly disheartening. It’s as if we have collectively decided that intelligible communication is no longer necessary.” 

Only time will tell if Americans can reverse this disheartening trend. Until then, let us mourn the loss of a nation once celebrated for its possession of intelligible language and marvel at the fading echoes of a time when Americans proudly proclaimed, “Yes, I speak a language.”