Columbus, OH —— Miserable couples can now rejoice thanks to the new wedding vow format available at their next vow renewal! In the past, vows went: “In the name of God, I, _______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until parted by death.” However, vows are now going: “I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold until I get sick of you or find somebody better, to love and to cherish, till death or divorce do us part.” It has been reported that these new vows have been a big hit at recent vow renewals. We spoke with some of the delighted folks at the local wedding venue.

“I’m just so overjoyed that I can finally get rid of him,” said soon-to-be ex-wife Sophia Tiers as she shed tears of joy. “I am so fed up with his stinky socks all over the apartment. Before, I couldn’t leave him, because I swore by God’s name that I wouldn’t, but now, I can dump him without feeling guilty.”

“This truly is a gift from Heaven,” said Carl Willis, who decided he had had altogether too much loving and cherishing after his wife brought home a twenty-second hamster. “Finally, I can leave her, her hamsters, and the allergies they cause behind me.”

Coincidentally, all the local cathedrals and wedding venues are now busier with back-to-back vow renewals than have ever been.