TAIPEI, Taiwan – – 

In an act that stunned diplomats and briefly crashed several think-tank websites, Taiwan announced today that it has formally granted independence to mainland China, ending decades of awkward misunderstandings. At a ceremony held beneath a banner reading “You’re Welcome”, Taiwanese officials declared that the mainland, long believed by some to be in charge, was now “free to pursue its own destiny, responsibilities, and enormous lactose intolerance rate.” 

“We felt it was time,” said spokesman Chen Zhizhong, from Taiwan’s Ministry of Clearing Things Up. “Mainland China has been living under the illusion that it runs the place. That’s no way for a society to grow. Independence builds character.”

The declaration emphasized Taiwan’s commitment to self-determination for others.

“For years, we watched the mainland struggle with the burden of thinking it had authority over us,” the statement read. “That kind of delusion can be exhausting. So we’re releasing them. Fly, little one.”

As part of the agreement, Taiwan will no longer be responsible for explaining global supply chains, maintaining semiconductor sanity, or fielding questions like, “But aren’t you part of…?” Mainland China is expected to manage its own foreign relations and economic messaging. Initial reactions from Beijing were measured, calm, and accompanied by the sound of every internal alarm going off at once. “This is outrageous,” said mainland official Li Feng, speaking on condition of anonymity because the press conference had not yet been approved by twelve committees. “We do not accept independence granted by… by… hang on, who granted this again?” State media later clarified that the announcement was “historically invalid, legally impossible, emotionally hurtful, and definitely not funny,” while also insisting it was being taken “very lightly and not personally at all.” 

Experts warn the transition may be difficult. “Independence is hard,” said one analyst. “You suddenly have to explain yourself without saying ‘historical inevitability’ every five minutes.” 

Back in Taipei, citizens celebrated by doing what they usually do: going to work, voting in elections, and quietly wondering how this will be misinterpreted tomorrow. “We wish mainland China all the best,” spokesman Chen added. “We truly do. We hope they form healthy alliances, respect their neighbors, and maybe—just maybe—stop telling everyone they’re still grounded.” As the ceremony concluded, Taiwan released a final message to its newly independent neighbor: “Good luck. Call us if you need help. But please don’t call us yours.”