CHICAGO, Il. – – 

Dr. Karl Eckhardt, a senior researcher in the Department of Human Genetics at Midwestern University and longtime advocate for selective breeding, found himself on the receiving end of the standards he has spent decades promoting.

According to colleagues, Eckhardt was recently informed that his own genetic, physical, and behavioral profile fails to meet the criteria he recommends for responsible reproduction. The revelation reportedly came after a routine review, which highlighted minor cardiovascular issues, slightly below-average cognitive flexibility, male-pattern baldness, myopia, a propensity towards obesity, lactose intolerance, and other traits Eckhardt has previously cited as reasons to discourage childbearing. 

“Now wait just a minute,” Eckhardt said when confronted with the findings. “I mean, yes, technically, maybe there are minor things, but that’s hardly disqualifying. These tests… these tests can’t capture everything.” 

Dr. Gregory Holloway, a bioethicist at Midwestern University, was the one who brought the issue to Eckhardt’s attention. “He has spent years telling people to evaluate their suitability for reproduction,” Holloway said. “When his own data came up, we had to point it out, including that he has toe thumbs, a unibrow, and is unable to roll his tongue.” 

Eckhardt has repeatedly stated that those who need to refrain from reproducing include those with “deformities” such as a widow’s peak, red hair, freckles (“if they were bald, they would be indistinguishable from the cursed soulless”), clinodactyly (“that weird pinky finger thing”), premature graying, the photic sneeze reflex, or Morton’s toe (“that weird thing when the second toe is unnaturally long and disrupts the harmony of the toes”). 

Eckhardt reportedly reacted with disbelief and a string of excuses. “I’ve been under stress lately, the sample could be contaminated, and my lifestyle has improved dramatically since these measurements were taken,” he argued in a meeting with colleagues. “Surely there’s room for interpretation here.”

Despite his protests, Eckhardt confirmed that he will not pursue biological parenthood, though he framed the decision as reluctantly imposed rather than voluntary. “I am being told I’m not up to the mark,” he said. “I suppose I have no choice, but it’s…unfortunate timing, given my ongoing research and commitments. After all, I can’t risk my future offspring having such cruel deformities such as attached earlobes or a long second toe.”  

The incident has drawn attention both for its ironic twist and for the glimpse it provides into the scientist’s personality. Fellow researchers describe Eckhardt as “frustrated but still trying to wriggle out of it.” 

Midwestern University has not issued an official statement beyond confirming Eckhardt’s position in the Department of Human Genetics.