MOESBURG, Ok. — 

In a rather perplexing incident, local pastor Todd Thomas’s journey towards weight loss took an unexpected detour when he mistook his trusty wall clock for a bathroom scale. 

The unfortunate mix-up occurred in the reverend’s humble abode, where he was determined to keep track of his progress on the weight loss front. Armed with a righteous enthusiasm to shed those extra pounds on his flabby stomach partially caused by his sedentary lifestyle, he approached what he thought was his bathroom scale, ready to face the numbers staring back at him. 

Little did he know, the Lord had a different plan in store for him. Instead of stepping on a conventional scale with a surface designed for weight measurement, he confidently placed his foot on the clock’s round face. One can only imagine the initial sense of unholy confusion that washed over his slimming body as he waited for the numbers to appear. 

“I weigh… 9:24?” the pastor mumbled. “That’s disgraceful! I must have succumbed to the sin of gluttony at last week’s church potluck!” 

As the seconds ticked away, however, the pastor took another glance down at the “scale” and the realization dawned upon him that he was, in fact, standing on a clock. The only thing revealed was the irony of the situation, which was not lost on the witnesses who were fortunate enough to behold this spectacle. Pastor Todd then felt a sharp twinge to his godly heart as he remembered that he did not have a wife to confide in about his daily problems. And so he came to the Moesburg Times to publish this story. 

We all have apparently learned a lesson today: that telling time and shedding pounds have more in common than we ever imagined.