Have you ever been sitting on your couch eating a bowl of clam chowder and wondered, “am I dead?” If so, fear not, for here is the ultimate guide on determining whether you are dead or not.

Signs you are not in fact, dead.

1. You are female. On average, females live longer than men. Therefore, the more female you are, the less likely you are to be dead. It’s science.
2. People wish you were dead. If you were already dead, they wouldn’t have to wish you were!
3. You have at least five toes on each foot. Dead people are less likely to have all their toes, due to decomposition. If you have less than five extremities per foot, you might want to talk with your doctor, because you might, in fact, be dead.
4. You do not currently have a knife sticking through your chest.
5. You do not have a TikTok account.
6. You have not had Ebola. Those who have contracted Ebola are significantly more likely to be dead.
7. You have never been to a funeral.
8. You are not lying in an underground coffin.
9. You are reading this.
10. You have a pulse. Ah, this confirms it. If you have a pulse, then congratulations! For the time being, you are alive! Live life to the fullest and go celebrate by jumping out of an airplane without a parachute to show how really, truly alive you are.