Pinehurst, MA — Dennis Thorton, a devoted Christian man who works as a local high school janitor is reportedly extremely disappointed that this job may be the plan the Lord has for him. We spoke with him to gain his side of the story.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Thorton told us. “I’ve done everything a good Christian should do, but I’m still working in this educational dictatorship that reeks of adolescence and teenage angst. It’s not fair! What should I do?” We kindly suggested that he do all he does to the glory of God, whether it be scrubbing toilets or mopping the floor, but he didn’t seem to hear us. “What do I do, Lord?!” He hollered through tears while looking up at the ceiling fan for guidance. “Oh Wonderful, Almighty, God, why hast thou forsaken me?!”

At this point in the interview, a potted plant in the corner suddenly erupted into flames, and Thorton began to speak to it. “Yes, Lord,” Thorton said to the plant. “I understand, your Celestial Magnificence.” He then ran out of the room, yelling, “I know what I have to do!”

A few days later, we learned Thorton had been fired for harassing students to repent from their sins, and trying to lead the school’s choir in an a cappella version of “Jesus Paid It All”.

At publishing time, Thorton had reportedly been stoned to death, and then dragged and left outside city limits, but we feel that this is not the last we will hear of him.