MOESBURG, Ok. — 

Meet Charles Kaufman, a self-proclaimed child collector. His collection currently boasts of 230 children, a world record breaker. To be clear, this is not your typical stamp or baseball card collection. 

“I see this as American Girl doll collection 2.0,” said Kaufman. “Ordinary dolls don’t walk and talk and cry for their mommies when I lock them in collectors’ cabinets.” 

“I simply want to have the most diverse and captivating assortment of children,” says Kaufman. “Every child is unique and reflects a special moment in time. It’s an art form, really.” 

“I only take two kinds of children: only children and middle children,” Kaufman explains. “The middle children, nobody will notice them. The only children, well, it’s actually an act of compassion. Imagine third-wheeling your parents every day. That’s what it’s like. I’m saving them from the scarring emotional damage of being the third wheel their entire childhood. So I’m actually doing them a favor.” 

Despite facing intense backlash from every human rights group ever, Kaufman remains defiant, arguing that his child collection is a misunderstood art. “Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel; I collect children. All art is subjective in the end.”