Marathon Runners Fail to Find Cure for Breast Cancer
JACKSONVILLE, Fl. – – Thousands of runners flooded the streets on Sunday for the National Marathon to Finish Breast Cancer.…
HSS Allows First-Ever Meat Donors
Washington, D.C., U.S.– As an effort to solve world hunger, American organ donors can now register as meat donors, allowing…
All Non-Morbidly Obese People Now Considered “In Shape”
ATLANTA. Ga. — To adjust for the large share of obese Americans, the CDC has declared all non-morbidly obese people…
Libertarians Propose Bill to Abolish Road Rules
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move toward ultimate freedom on the road, libertarians have proposed a bill for various changes…
Suicide: Punishable by Death?
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brilliant display of progressive thinking, members of the legislative branch have announced the ultimate solution…
National Security Emergency: Somebody Just Leaked the President’s Address
WASHINGTON, DC. — In an astonishing display of modern technological prowess, an anonymous internet sleuth has managed to do what…
New Law Requires Politicians to Wear Lie Detector Vests, Technology Overwhelmed
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Politicians lie. This is a well-known fact. In an attempt to bring transparency to the world of…
Average Number of Languages Spoken Per American Drops to 0.8
U.S.A. — In a depressing development for this nation, the linguistic prowess of Americans has hit an all-time low, with…
Biden Announces Next First Lady Will Be a Black Woman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Brace yourself, America, for another groundbreaking promise from President Joe Biden! After already vowing to rebuild infrastructure,…