WASHINGTON, D.C. —
Brace yourself, America, for another groundbreaking promise from President Joe Biden! After already vowing to rebuild infrastructure, turn on the planet’s air conditioning, and unite a divided nation, Biden has set his sights on a new task: finding a black woman to be the next First Lady of the United States.
The announcement was made during an intimate gathering of White House staffers, where Biden held up a cardboard cutout of former First Lady Michelle Obama and declared, “Folks, we did it with Barack, and now it’s time to do it again! It’s high time we brought some diversity to the First Lady position.”
In a stunning display of political prowess, Biden managed to turn the entire room into a roaring applause. But as the confetti settled and the excitement waned, the question on everyone’s minds became increasingly clear: how exactly does one go about picking the next First Lady based on her race? And how does one go about telling Jill that her husband is leaving her for another woman?
While the search for America’s future First Lady remains in its early stages, rumors abound regarding the process. Sources suggest that the President is considering a televised reality show, titled “The First Lady Bachelor,” in which potential candidates vie for his affection while demonstrating their prowess in state dinners and public speeches.
“It’s going to be like ‘The Bachelorette’ meets ‘Miss America’ meets ‘Political Apprentice’,” a White House insider chuckled. “I can already see the cringe-worthy group dates at the Oval Office and the awkward Rose Garden ceremonies!”
Biden’s critics, however, are skeptical of this latest endeavor. One conservative commentator remarked, “It’s truly amazing to see how far the Democratic Party will go to virtue signal. Why stop at competent leadership or an actual good wife when you can just choose a First Lady based on her skin color?” One anonymous Republican politician said, “When I leave my wife to find a new one, I never choose based on physical appearance. I simply look for a hotter wife, even hotter than my two side chicks.”
Only time will tell if America will be serenaded by the sweet sound of “Hail to the Chief” sung by a woman of color or if this hunt for diversity will simply turn into a four-year-long reality TV show that nobody asked for. In any case, it’s clear that Biden’s presidency is off to an entertaining and unexpected start, leaving us all wondering what the future holds for the nation’s next First Lady.
As of publishing time, we have requested an interview with Jill Biden, but all she wants to do is lock herself in her bedroom and cry.