San Francisco, CA — John Johnson, a 34 year old resident of San Francisco, drives a car with a wheelchair lift. He has a blue handicapped tag hanging from his rear view mirror. And he parks his car with a wheelchair lift in handicapped parking spaces. But John Johnson isn’t handicapped all the time. He only identifies as such whenever he wants a better parking space.

“It was just a brilliant idea that popped into my head one day,” Johnson told us as he drove us around in his car, demonstrating the everyday lifestyle of someone who occasionally suffers from a crippling disability that he doesn’t actually have. “I had just heard about how men were pretending to be women so they could beat women in women’s sports since they’re too pathetic and scared to compete against actual men,” Johnson dictated as he ran a light that was clearly red, which he is allowed to do, because sometimes his car identifies as an ambulance. This was one of those times. “And so I began to think to myself,” he continued, “how could I manipulate the system so that I can break the rules without actually breaking the rules? And this is what I came up with.” Johnson pulls into a handicapped parking space at a local supermarket, exits his car, and begins to walk towards the store on his two legs that both work perfectly well. A young girl stared at Johnson as she walked nearby with her mother.

“Mommy,” the little girl said, tugging on her mother’s sleeve, “I thought those special parking spots were for people whose legs didn’t work right, but that man’s legs work fine! Why would he park in a handicapped spot if he isn’t handicapped?” The mother attempted to shush her daughter, but it was too late.

“I AM HANDICAPPED!” Johnson yelled at the girl. “SOMETIMES! THAT’S HOW I IDENTIFY!”

“That doesn’t make you handicapped!” Replied the girl, who is obviously an entitled and bratty little bigot. A nearby police officer witnessed the altercation, and promptly pepper sprayed and detained the young girl, on some very serious and not at all foolish charges of hate speech, public displayed bigotry, and assault with hurtful words.

As we went on, Johnson showed us how he, as a handicapped person who totally needs a handicapped parking space, can walk around the supermarket and grab the box of Lucky Charms off the very top shelf with no assistance, despite the fact that he is 100% handicapped.

At publishing time, Johnson had also begun identifying as a Vietnam veteran so he could get a discount purchasing a sub sandwich at a local restaurant.