WASHINGTON, D.C. —
In a brilliant display of progressive thinking, members of the legislative branch have announced the ultimate solution to combat the rising rates of suicide worldwide – punishable by death! Yes, you read that right. Politicians across the aisle are unanimously applauding this “innovative” approach to deal with one of the most pressing mental health crises of our time. The bill has already passed through the House of Representatives, and is predicted to pass through the Senate even more easily. Whether or not the president will sign it is where the jury is out.
In an unprecedented move, authorities have finally recognized the root cause of the problem – suicidal individuals themselves. Rather than addressing the underlying issues of mental health, societal pressures, or economic disparities, let’s just punish those who are suffering the most! Kudos to our leaders for being truly bold and forward-thinking.
The new policy, aptly named the “Suicidal Individuals Demise Decree,” ensures that anyone expressing suicidal tendencies will be immediately apprehended and placed in front of a firing squad. What better way to discourage suicide than to threaten people with their own death? Finally, a real incentive to “stay alive.”
Experts are already hailing this as the most groundbreaking solution since they tried to cure the bubonic plague by burning witches at the stake. Why waste time, money, and resources on mental health care when you can just eliminate the problem altogether, right?
Family and friends of those struggling with mental health issues are ecstatic about this new policy. “My depressed cousin will finally understand the gravity of her actions when she’s staring down the barrel of a loaded gun,” said one enthusiastic relative. Another chimed in, “I always thought therapy was overrated; this is a much simpler way to fix things.”
Critics who dare to question the brilliance of this move are being labeled as “pro-suicide sympathizers.” How could anyone be so insensitive to not appreciate the irony and sheer genius behind this masterstroke? Skeptics claim that this policy will only further stigmatize mental health, but they clearly lack the vision to grasp the bigger picture.
World leaders are already patting themselves on the back for solving a complex issue in one fell swoop. Who needs extensive mental health awareness campaigns, suicide prevention hotlines, or accessible therapy when we can just wield the mighty sword of “death as a deterrent”?
However, even the most visionary plans have a few doubters. Some pesky human rights organizations have dared to voice their concern, calling the policy barbaric, inhumane, and a gross violation of the right to life. But come on, isn’t this just the epitome of irony? We’re trying to save lives by threatening to end them! It’s brilliant!
So, let’s all raise a toast to this momentous achievement in global problem-solving. Let the world remember this day as the one where we took a giant leap backward in our understanding of mental health and compassion for our fellow human beings. After all, who needs empathy when you can have a firing squad? Bravo, world leaders, bravo!
“I think by putting this policy in place, we are deterring a great many people from tragically ending their own lives,” said one advocate. “If we can prevent just one person’s death, then it’s worth it.”