LONDON, England, U.K. — 

A recent study has uncovered an unexpected discovery: that conversing with plants leads to higher levels of reported overall life satisfaction compared to engaging in conversation with other humans. 

Conducted by the London Institute of Human-Plant Interactions, the study involved observing two groups of participants, Group Humanity and Group Flora, in a controlled lab environment over a period of fourteen days. Individuals in both groups lived in a simulated environment; however, those in Group Humanity interacted with other humans over the course of the experiment, while those in Group Flora experienced no human interaction, but were instructed to talk to plants. 

At the end of the fourteen days, participants from both groups were questioned on their overall life satisfaction. The results, displayed on graphs adorned with floral patterns, spoke for themselves. Members of Group Flora exhibited what can only be described as “excessive leafiness of spirit.” Their lives were bursting with the joy of not being burdened with the tribulations of other members of the human race. 

Meanwhile, members of Group Humanity suffered through the horrors of small talk, feigning interest in each others’ weekend plans, estranged in-laws, and toenail fungus troubles. One participant even attempted to rip off his own ears with his bare hands so he would not have to hear the ramblings of a particularly annoying participant. It was clear that Group Humanity was suffering from an acute surplus of stupidity. 

Dr. Ingrid Green, the chief researcher of the study, explained, “Plants provide the kind of soulful companionship humans simply cannot provide without spinning off into a tangent about their ex’s carpal tunnel syndrome or spewing out brain-melting idiocy. A plant will never brag about how she had to hire a maid because her house is too big to clean herself. And when you complain about your problems, a plant never interrupts you or says ‘everything happens for a reason’ five times in the same conversation.”  Dr. Green added, “And most importantly, after conversing with a plant, you don’t walk away feeling like you have lost 35 IQ points and like the life has been sucked out of your chest.” 

While we as a society may not be ready to give up human interaction completely, we may resort to taking little steps such as cutting out time with the people who annoy us the most, such as our parents, in-laws, and cousins. In lieu of gathering around a table to feast on turkey this year, many of us may choose to lie in the sun photosynthesizing with our chlorophyllic companions. After all, in a world filled with pointless debates and disagreements, perhaps the only flourishing conversation is one held in the presence of a nonchalant fern.