LONDON, England, U.K. — 

In a recent study conducted by researchers at the London School for the Socially Unacceptable, a surprising correlation has been unearthed: breathing oxygen is directly tied to a 100% mortality rate. In other words, everyone who breathes oxygen dies. 

While some skeptics may point out that nearly every living creature breathes oxygen, the study’s lead researcher, Professor Tori Lavender, dismisses this as a mere coincidence. “We mustn’t be blinded by so-called ‘facts’ of biology,” Professor Lavender asserts. “The truth is, we are all living on borrowed time from the moment we take out first breath of oxygen-rich air.” 

In a desperate bid to combat this oxygen-induced mortality, a health-conscious subculture has emerged, advocating for a  “Breathe Less, Live More” movement. Followers of the movement have resorted to holding their breath for extended periods, hoping to outwit the sinister clutches of oxygen. Some are substituting breathing oxygen with breathing other gases, such as nitrogen, helium, hydrogen, and neon. By refusing to partake in oxygen-breathing, they are potentially adding decades to their lifespans. Breathing oxygen is a dangerous game that some are not willing to play. 

The scientific community is left reeling from this unexpected discovery, and many are wondering what other seemingly obvious facts of life we are possibly also wrong about. However, one thing is clear: the oxygen we once thought was life’s sustenance is, in fact, the ultimate saboteur.