U.S.A. — 

In an unprecedented move to redefine the boundaries of health and innovation in the fast food industry, the renowned fast food sandwich chain “Sublime Subs” has decided to embrace the wild world of microbiology with their latest culinary creation: The Wedgie Wonder! Brace yourselves, health fanatics and risk-takers, for this sub is a game-changer that will have you questioning your life choices in no time. 

The sandwich is rumored to contain a secret ingredient that will leave you questioning just how far the fast food industry is willing to go. In a move that is sure to leave customers scratching their heads (and possibly other body parts), Sublime Subs has included in their newest sandwich bacteria from their employees’ unwashed hands! Employees are now instructed not to wash their hands after using the restroom, and are free to scratch their itchy buttocks. 

“It was an unnecessary move, as most of the employees were already following these guidelines before we implemented these guidelines,” said General Manager Dave Marlin in a recent interview. “Really, it was just a case of rebranding. We took something that was already there and advertised it, and I think many customers will enjoy what we bring to the table.” 

Marlin also added that the Sublime Subs team is currently seeking out employees with recurrent cases of pinworms, hemorrhoids, and any kind of fungal infection, so that the sandwiches will be infused with diverse types of bacteria and fungi. 

Now you might be wondering, “Why on earth would anyone want to eat bacteria from an employee’s itchy rear end?” Well, Sublime Subs claims it is really all about flavor complexity. They insist that this unique blend of bacteria creates a symphony of tastes in the mouth, ranging from tangy to funky to everything in between. Forget carefully-aged artisan cheeses; the future of flavor apparently lives inside your underwear. 

The new ingredient also provides an all-natural eating experience for the health-conscious customer, as the wedgie-picked bacteria are 100% organic, gluten-free, and non-GMO. In fact, the Sublime Subs marketing team is working tirelessly to advertise this newfound sandwich component as a “probiotic powerhouse” that supports gut health and boosts the immune system. Who needs multivitamins when you can simply eat a sandwich contaminated by bacteria from a teenage employee’s anus? 

So the next time you are craving a stale sub sandwich made by a bored college student with an untreated pinworm infection, head on over to a Sublime Subs near you and give the Wedgie Wonder a try. Your gut will thank you.