Geneva, SWITZERLAND — 

Many have long dreamed of the power of time travel, but a Swiss physicist believes he has unearthed this ability. 

Hans Eichmann, a 41-year-old physicist from Geneva, claims he can travel through time and space, but only go forwards at a constant speed. 

“It’s not quite like Back to the Future, more like Slowly Crawling to the Future,” Eichmann commented. 

While Eichmann has amassed the laud of many in the scientific community, skeptics find Eichmann’s discovery underwhelming, and one anonymous colleague of Eichmann is quoted as saying the discovery was “quite unimpressive in the highest degree; in fact, I have never been so disappointed in a supposed scientific discovery since the stem cell craze.” 

The future implications of Eichmann’s discovery are unknown, but he plans to obtain funding from governments and scientific committees.