WASHINGTON, D.C. — 

Politicians lie. This is a well-known fact. In an attempt to bring transparency to the world of politics, Congress has passed a law requiring politicians to wear state-of-the-art lie detector vests during speeches and all career-related public activities. However, within fifteen minutes of the politicians putting on the vest, the vests had short-circuited, unable to process so many lies at once. 

The spectacle began with great promise as politicians across the nation donned the vests, placing them over their bulletproof vests. California Governor Gavin Newsom was among them. He started out his speech by saying, “Thank you all for coming out. Wow, what a lively crowd showing such support!” The detector beeped loudly. Governor Newsom appeared a tad taken aback, but he continued. “Thank you to the wonderful people of California…” Another beep rang out. Newsom cleared his throat and said, “Anyway, California is a wonderful place to live…” The detector beeped again, and throughout the speech, the detector beeped every other sentence until it finally short-circuited in five minutes. 

Now this was just one of many humiliating spectacles for the nation’s politicians. Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida started off his speech saying, “I thank the Lord for y’all, and for my wonderful wife…” The detector went off, and it has been reported that Ron DeSantis will sleep on the couch tonight. 

Eventually, the members of Congress, the ones who had decided to pass the bill requiring politicians to wear lie detector vests, realized that they themselves were politicians, and after one unfortunate member told his wife that he would never lie to her, he convinced the other members to hold a mark-up session to amend the bill. This proposed amendment will clarify that members of the Senate and the House of Representatives are excluded from this law and are not required to wear lie detector vests. The bill is expected to pass in ten days, as President Biden will likely take no action.