WASHINGTON, DC. — 

In an astonishing display of modern technological prowess, an anonymous internet sleuth has managed to do what even the most seasoned paparazzi and gossip columnists couldn’t dream of accomplishing: doxxing the 

President. The nation collectively gasped in a mixture of shock and awe as the mysterious individual behind the virtual curtain pulled back to reveal the President’s address. 

Dubbed the “Doxinator” by one of his seven followers on X, formerly known as Twitter, the online Sherlock Holmes claimed to have uncovered a treasure trove of top-secret information, such as the President’s address, date of birth, full name, and the names of his children and grandchildren. 

In an exclusive interview with the Doxinator himself, conducted in the chatroom of an online chess game, he recounted the riveting tale of his digital conquest. “I saw a Joe Biden meme on Reddit,” he relayed. “And I thought, ‘I wonder where he lives.’ And then it was like a lightbulb moment: what if I found out where the President lives? So I did.” 

While the Doxinator prefers not to reveal how exactly he obtained the President’s address (we suspect it was some sort of extremely complicated high-level hacking job), he admits he is unsure of what to do with this information. 

“I could visit him,” said the Doxinator. “Though I don’t have my drivers’ license yet, so I’d have to get my mom to drive me.” The Doxinator refuses to let that hold him back, as he advises his followers to order pizzas addressed to the President or TP his lawn. 

Although the Doxinator’s motives appear, for the most part, innocuous, government officials issued a statement advising citizens to forget the President’s address, as President Biden would prefer for the entire country to not know where he lives.