MOESBURG, Ok. —

Tom Lewis, a local funeral director, has seen an increase in demand for his services as local deaths have reached an all-time high. These deaths have been deemed highly suspicious in nature, and from recent leads, it seems they may have been perpetrated by a 5’10” white male in his late 30s or early 40s.

Before the surge in business, Lewis, a 40-year-old 5’10” white male, was on the verge of losing his business.

Lewis has since been able to move out of his two-bedroom apartment and buy a 2,500 square foot house and a BMW.

The Moesburg Times dropped by Lewis’s residence to interview him. He seemed disgruntled when he answered the door, and there were crimson stains on his clothes, presumably from work.

When asked about his feelings on the recent tragedies, Lewis said,

“Well, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but it really is good for me.” He then added, “But to the people of Moesburg, my personal advice is that you shouldn’t feel the need to take any precautions. In fact, please don’t take any precautions. There’s no need to lock your doors at night. Feel free to go on a long walk alone at night without telling anyone where you are. It’s just a coincidence that all these people are dying. No need for suspicion. If a loved one, or even someone you don’t particularly care for, dies, you know where to find a funeral home.”

Lewis also requested that people refrain from vaccinations and using seatbelts, as these are government ploys to drain funeral directors of their incomes.