MOESBURG, Ok. —

11-year-old Ethan Donnelly claims to have won the city lying bee 3 years in a row. Although The Moesburg Times can find no such evidence of this lying bee, we have gathered the events from Ethan’s memory.

Ethan tells us that 3 years ago, he was first registered for the bee when his mother sarcastically told his former 3rd grade teacher she should enter him in a lying bee. The teacher, Miss Rachel, attractive by Ethan’s recollection, entered him in the bee, where he beat 129 other contestants, all at least 4 years older than Ethan and most at least half a foot taller.

His second year, he returned to beat them all again and won a red Porsche as a prize, but he says he is not allowed to drive it until he turns 16.

This year at the bee, Ethan says that Oprah Winfrey came to the bee and watched him “smoke the other guys’ butts… I mean tushies. Sorry, Mom.”

Ethan then told us, “after the bee, Oprah shook my hand and invited me to dinner with Allyson Hannigan, and Allyson said I was hot and if I weren’t 11 years old, she’d marry me right there. But I’ve already got 15 girlfriends, including one of the Kardashians, but I can’t say which one for privacy reasons. So I told her I was taken. Maybe in the future I’ll have an opening in one of the spots, and I’ll be a little older by then anyway. But for now, it just wouldn’t work.”