MOESBURG, Ok. —
A local high school student has decided to take a stand against the gender binary invading every nook and cranny of society, starting with the Spanish language. Meet Kevin Robertson, a self-proclaimed Social Injustice Warrior, who is on a mission to liberate Spanish words from the gender binary.
His first target? Nouns. In Spanish, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine, a concept that Kevin deemed archaic and an affront to his worldview. With a defiant glint in his eye, he declared, “From now on, I will refuse to refer to all nouns with any gendered articles in an attempt to liberate them from the chains of gendered language!”
The class stared in disbelief as Kevin attempted to create a linguistic utopia based on nothing more than his own whims. He raised his hand to ask a question but couldn’t help himself from stating, “Profesor, I have a question about el gato. Why should we assume it’s male? Maybe it’s genderfluid or nonbinary!” The bigoted Spanish teacher, Señora Hernandez, tried her best to explain, “Kevin, in Spanish, the grammatical gender of nouns doesn’t necessarily indicate the actual gender of the object or creature. It’s simply a linguistic feature that doesn’t carry a social connotation.”
Unfazed, Kevin continued his linguistic revolt, moving on to adjectives. “Señora Hernandez, I refuse to adhere to your oppressive rules of gender agreement. If I want to describe a baño as ‘delicioso,’ I will do so without using gendered adjectives! The baño is ‘deliciosx.’”
As his classmates exchanged glances of amusement and bewilderment, Kevin forged ahead with his mission. Verb conjugations were next on his hit list. “I won’t conform to your binary verbs! I will use ‘ellos’ to refer to my singular self if I please,” he proclaimed, leaving the grammar rules shaking their heads in disbelief.
Unfortunately, Kevin Robertson received an ‘F’ in Spanish. Some say the ‘F’ stood for ‘fail,’ while others suggested it symbolized his valiant fight against the linguistic patriarchy. But regardless of interpretation, Kevin’s protest sparked a movement to abolish the Spanish language by surgically removing the tongues of Spanish speakers. All in the name of gender inclusivity.
