On August 31, 1997, Diana, Princess of Wales tragically perished in a car crash. However, historians and scientists from across Britain have revealed that if the delicate princess had not been involved in a car accident on August 31, 1997, she would have certainly died from a sudden stroke today. Yes, it appears that even destiny couldn’t resist playing a cruel game of cat and mouse with the beloved Princess of Wales. 

“I can say with absolute certainty that the Princess of Wales would have succumbed to a sudden stroke at 9:36 a.m. on July 24, 2023 if she had not put her body inside that cursed black Mercedes,” said Professor Tori Lavender of the London School for the Socially Unacceptable. “One could argue, however – and I personally would – that it was better for her publicity to have died young in such dramatic circumstances. A stroke at age 62 would have been so blasé.” 

“I, on the other hand, take offense to us referring to her as the Princess of Wales. If she had survived, she would be the wife of the king, and therefore a queen. I shall forever call her the Queen,” declared Professor Wesley Duckwater, also of the London School for the Socially Unacceptable. 

As the royal watchers speculate on this dark alternate reality, one can’t help but wonder if the universe’s plot-twisting abilities rival that of the best soap opera writers. “Diana’s death in a car crash was tragic, but it was nothing compared to the dramatic flair of a royal stroke,” commented Sir Hugh Barton Landreth-Ridley, an aficionado of the melodramatic arts.

However, some skeptics question the validity of such claims, suggesting that it’s absurd to predict someone’s cause of death with such certainty. “Let’s be real here,” scoffed the University of Oxford’s Professor Eugene Fleming, a voice of reason in a sea of absurdity. “Medical conditions can be unpredictable, and assuming that Diana would have died of a stroke is nothing more than sensationalized fiction.”

Furthermore, conspiracy theorists are having a field day with this revelation, spinning elaborate webs of “what-ifs” and “could-have-beens.” According to their wild speculations, the car crash that claimed Diana’s life may have been orchestrated by a shadowy organization intent on preventing the grand drama of her regal stroke. 

Professor Tori Lavender claims that the Princess of Wales is not the only celebrity who would have died in a way other than how they actually died. “Take John F. Kennedy, for example,” said Professor Lavender. “He, famously, had Addison’s disease and would have, without a doubt, suffered an Addisonian crisis triggered by dehydration on September 8, 1995 and would ultimately pass away the next morning on September 9, 1996. That is a scientific fact.”

But why let reason and scientific evidence get in the way of a juicy headline? The imaginary prospect of Princess Diana falling prey to a stroke certainly adds a sense of drama and intrigue to her otherwise glamorous life.

So, let’s leave the realm of “what if” and appreciate the indelible impact Diana left on the world during her brief but meaningful time in the spotlight. For in the end, it is the real stories of compassion, grace, and altruism that truly deserve our attention, not the fanciful tales of fate’s capricious whims. 

As of publishing time, Professor Tori Lavender has announced that if rock n’ roll star Elvis Presley had not succumbed to a heart attack from a cardiac arrhythmia brought on by years of prescription drug abuse and unhealthy eating habits, he would have died falling off a roller coaster on August 29, 2008.