CAIRO, Egypt — 

In a tragic turn of events, renowned archaeologist Dr. Ignatius Whitlock stumbled across an ancient Egyptian tomb that contained a mummified body. Naturally, Dr. Whitlock’s scientific instincts kicked in, and he rushed to perform CPR on the body, momentarily forgetting the critical detail that the poor soul had perished three millennia ago. 

Tragically, Dr. Whitlock’s attempts to revive the deceased were all in vain, as no amount of chest compressions or mouth-to-mouth resuscitation could coax life back into the long-dead body. The 3,000-year-old corpse was decidedly unresponsive, and the once-hopeful archaeologist found himself locked in a futile battle against time. 

As the dust settles on this gravely unfortunate event, the scientific community must come to terms with the fact that time is an unwavering force, indifferent to the actions of would-be heroes such as Dr. Whitlock. The tragic loss of this 3,000-year-old mummy will forever serve as a reminder to first responders and archaeologists alike: when it comes to CPR, timing is everything.