MOESBURG, Ok. —

An obese man has gotten stuck in a chimney on Christmas Eve last night. The man, dressed in a red suit and identified as “Nicholas,” says that for the past 200 years, he has been binge-eating unholy amounts of milk and cookies every Christmas Eve, and that this Christmas Eve alone, he has eaten at least 396 million cookies. He says he does keto the rest of the year, but keto can only get you so far when you are consuming enough cookies to feed the continent of Africa every Christmas Eve.

He also reported that he used to have a sleigh, but can no longer fit inside. The fire department was called, and they managed to demolish the chimney, leaving a Christmas surprise for the family whose chimney it was.

As Nicholas was carried away on a plus-sized stretcher, he managed to bellow “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”